True Friends

I've said before, that when something like this happens, you quickly learn who your "true" friends are. A disease like this is so isolating. I used to have many friends. I wasn't exceedingly popular, but I enjoyed hanging out with the friends I did have. I had friends I could trust and knew were there for me. Often they would come to the hospital with me. We were close. When I graduated and had to move home, things changed a little bit because I no longer could drive 1 1/2 hours to go to MA to visit. I was replaced by other friends. As I got sicker, I wasn't physically able to drive up to MA all the time. Sad to say, but most people were selfish and self-centered. They couldn't be bothered to make the trip to visit me, or meet part way. When I gained weight due to the prednisone, I stopped going out as much. I was embarrassed by how I looked. In addition to not being physically capable of doing what I did before, I had also gained weight. Though I know that they really wouldn't say something to my face. They wouldn't say that I was weak and fat and out of shape and that if I just had discipline and lost the weight I'd be better. But in my head, that is what they were saying. So I went out less. This just isolated me more. Everyone seemed to be doing normal tings, and here I was locked in my body.

I have been let down a lot. Trach surgery only made things harder, not easier. I haven't seen one of my friends since before I switched to home infusion. When I went to home infusion, I stopped going to MA regularly. I had gotten to the point that I was too sick and too weak to drive that far. Since I didn't drive there, I never saw her because she didn't drive here. In all my friendships, I've been the one to sacrifice things. Yesterday, we were supposed to get together for lunch since she'd be in Manchester visiting her boyfriend. We had planned on lunch. At 2:00 she still hadn't showed. I finally texted her, saying that I was assuming since she hadn't shown up, she wasn't going to. She said that her boyfriend had a church fair and she would try to get together again when she was in Manchester next. I was so angry and hurt. First of all, it would've been nice had she told me this because I had waited for her. I could've done something else or planned something else. I am sick of her broken promises. She says she will visit, then doesn't. I sent her a message back telling her not to bother, that a disease like this showed me who my true friends were. She said she was a true friend. She showed she cared by praying for me but that there hadn't been an opportune time. I got so angry because when it was me traveling the distance, no one ever thought of it. They didn't question whether it was an opportune time or convenient for me. It hasn't been the most opportune time for my other friends to visit, such as my friend John, who is sick and going through the process of being listed for a lung transplant. It isn't convenient or the opportune time for my friend Ducky from New Jersey who has health issues herself to visit, but she does. They do because they care and because they are friends. Friends are there for one another through the good and the bad. They support each other and help each other out. Prayer is good, but I need more than that. I need someone that I can count on during this difficult time. I think out of all the things in this disease, it is the loneliness and isolation that may be the hardest.