Decorating the Christmas Tree

We got a Christmas tree and decorated it today. It was so special. It would've been Poppy's birthday today. I can't believe he's been gone over a year. I miss him so much, as if it were only yesterday. I know that he is in heaven and watching over me. I know he is helping me through this process and guiding me. I also know that I am surrounded by him and other angels that love me.

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love Christmas. It's such a magical time of year. I always think of it as a time of hope, a time where miracles do happen. I love everything about Christmas. I love Christmas trees and the scent that fills the air. Some people have said real trees aren't good for people with immune disorders or breathing problems. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me if we should or shouldn't have them. Many people live their life with caution. They rarely go out and if they do, they wear a mask. I just can't live that way. I refuse to live my life that way. I would rather have one good year of truly living than many years of staying inside. Yes, I'd probably be more healthy, but what is the point if you can't enjoy life?

I have always been a huge Christmas person. I LOVE Christmas trees. I love the scent of the pine needles and the prick of the sap on your fingers as you hang ornaments on the branches. I'd have a Christmas tree all year around if I could. I'd decorate it for each of the holidays. Only thing is real trees don't do so well in the heat. I remember how much Aunt Bren loved Christmas and Christmas trees. She would have huge Christmas trees. We would go and decorate them. She got the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and it stayed up until every needle had fallen and it truly had to be gotten rid of, but usually she could get it to last until Easter. She'd decorate it with hearts for Valentines Day and eggs for Easter. She had a gazillion ornaments. It was very special to be able to decorate the tree on Poppy's birthday. Grammy loves the tree and it is so good to see her smile.

Usually we would celebrate Christmas at mom's. I would sleep over on Christmas Eve after we had all gone to the midnight service. We would awake early (6:30am) and after mom had turned on all the lights and checked to see if Santa came we would go down the stairs together. Though we are all older and most people our age don't get up at the crack of dawn to open presents, but I never lost my childhood love of Christmas. I still believe in Santa Clause. No, not the person, but the spirit of Christmas. It is this childish belief that makes all things possible. Because of my mobility problems and my need to use a wheelchair to get around, we can't celebrate at mom's. Even if I could get in the house (there are only 3 steps to get into the house), I wouldn't be able to get down or up the flight of stairs necessary. This is why we have decided that this year well celebrate at Grammy's. Grammy and I will sleep at her place, and mom, Sher, and the boys will come over first thing once they wake up. Grammy's house is handicap accessible.

I think about Christmases past. One year, we made code names for each of us. We got out the walkie talkies and spoke to each other from different rooms to make sure we were all awake. We have always had rules that we couldn't wake mom up before 6:3. We would talk to each other, anxiously awaiting the time at which we could wake mom to see if Santa came. When we were all awake, we sang Christmas carols at the top of our lungs to wake mom up. It is the spirit of Christmas that is so wonderful. It is the one time of year when people are kind and giving. People donate to charity and to help those in need. It is a time of hope and celebration. When I was a kid it was all about presents, but as I've gotten older it has been about giving gifts and seeing the joy it brings to others.

This year it is bittersweet. I know that this is probably my last Christmas. My goal has always been to make it through Christmas. I have been trying to hang in there and not transition into hospice until after Christmas. This has always been my goal because Christmas is so important to me. It hurts me so much to think that next year I probably won't be here to celebrate with my family. It makes this one so special, but also very sad. I love my family so much and worry that next year they won't celebrate the same way. It crushes me to think I won't be here. How I wish I could control this, to somehow get more time. I am trying to make this year especially special so that my family has special memories for when I'm no longer here.