The Love of a Sister

Some days I think about this and how utterly unfair it is. It seems that lately all I do is cry. The social worker from the VNA made an interesting statement today. She said that I am grieving. this is so true. I think in many ways this is harder than saying good-bye to a loved one that is dying, or has died. I am not saying good-bye to one person, but to everyone I know. I am saying good-bye to all the people that have been in my life.

My goal in life has always been to leave this world a slightly better place than when I came into it. I have not done even a fraction of the thing I always dreamed of. I guess I always thought there would be time. Though I never got to do many of the things I thought I would, I can't deny that I haven't influenced people. I know so many people that care. It just tears me apart. I think about certain things, things with my brothers and sister. Dinner with them and how we all sit and laugh. We tease each other and joke. It hurts me to think that some day, they will be together, but I won't be there. Every time we're together, I wonder, in 6 months will I still be here to do this? A year? I know their life will go on. I know it will continue because that's what life does, it goes on. But it will go on without me. I won't be there to join in the jokes. It hurts so much to leave them, but I haven't really been given a choice. All my life I've protected them and been there for them. But I can't make this better. I can't make it hurt less. I can't stop it. I can't protect them. This is going to happen whether I want it to or not, and that hurts. They are so young, all so young. I shouldn't be the one that has to go. I think how I won't get to see them grow up, get married, have kids. I won't get to see Brenndan graduate. It's like I'm checking out at the middle of the story where I won't know how it ends. It's not fair.

Today mom told Sher and Brenndan about what was going on and that I am now in palliative care, and what that all means. This becomes more real every day. I have been trying so hard to make this easier for my friends and family. I feel like I need to/want to protect them, protect them from the harshness of all of this. It is never going to be easy, but I want it to be as easy as possible because though it may make it harder for me at first, I'm the one that gets to go. I'm the one that will be in a better place, free of pain. It has been so hard. I have struggled to breathe for so long that I don't even remember what it is like to breathe easy. I have carried oxygen so long that I don't know what it is like to go without. Yet in the near future I will be free - free of the confines of this body and the limitations it presents. My pain will be ending, but theirs will just have begun.

When I think of not being here, it makes me sad. The palliative case worker that came today mentioned that I am grieving. I hadn't thought like that. I acknowledge that those around me are grieving, but you don't really consider that the person dying also must grieve. Sometimes the loss I feel hurts so much, to know that I will probably not see any of my siblings get married and have families. I will not know my nieces and nephews. I may not see Brenndan graduate from high school or college. I won't get to see what remarkable men they will grow up to be. I see them now, and I am so proud of them. I am so proud of my sister and what she has become. They are all so young, especially Brenndan. It isn't fair. He's only 15. He shouldn't have to deal with his sister dying. He is only a baby; so young. He has never really gotten to know me not being sick. For all he remembers, I was sick. I wasn't able to be there as much as I wanted when he was young. We always thought there would be more time. And now we're out of time. This just shouldn't be happening. He should not be having to face this so young. He lost Poppy and now he'll lose me. The thing that frustrates me the most is that there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't stop it from happening. I can't make it better. I can only be here now and make memories with him now. It's just so unfair. Each of them are so good. They don't deserve this. My mom, she doesn't either. She's such a good mom. She isn't perfect. She's made mistakes. But she's been there for the important things. She's done the best she could, and that was a really good job. No parent should have to bury their child. All of this just breaks my heart. So I guess the hospice worker has it right. I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of those I love and the loss they will experience. I feel anger that I can't change things, that I can't stop this from happening or stop the hurt they will feel. I can't make ti better.