The Dream

I have begun to have these dreams. It is as if I am stuck between worlds. I am not here in the land of the living, but nor do I belong in the land of the dead. I am somewhere in-between. The other night, I had this very vivid dream. I was in the wold made of two creatures. The set of creatures were like trees. They came out and existed in the sunlight. They played and had fun. Went from one place to another. But as soon as it began to get dark, they went and hid inside for they were not night children.

The night children only came out in the dark. They had these little light sources. They were irridescent and would light up with these powerful, white lights. It was kind of like the glow of a firefly. A person could be only one or the other. The day children didn't come out at night, they were only visible at day. The night children only came out at night. They were not visible at daytime. If you were a day child and caught out at night, you were sent back because you didn't belong there. I was out at night, when I was supposed to be a day child and roaming around at night. I kept trying to pretend I was a night child, tried to go along in-between the other night children and hide so I wouldn't be detected and sent back. Every time I tried to pretend to be a night child, I would be detected. They would detect me right away and put their beam on me to send me back. But each time I was sent back, I was never really sent back. True day children wouldn't be viusible at all, and if they were, they would be detected immediately and sent back automatically. They had no control among the other night children. I would again be detected, and again hide. Even though I was detected, I was never fully sent back. I'd begin to head back to the area of the day children but instead of being sent back, I'd begin to hide again among the other night children. I would again be detected, and again hide. It was a process and each time I became more and more like a night chcild. I had an irridescent light, but it didn't shine as brightly as a true night chld. It was as if it were muted or dimmer. Because of this irridesence I wasn't a day chld. It was the iniridesecne that allowed me to hide amont the night chldren. Had I been a true day child, I wouldn't have any irridenscence and wouldn't be visible at all at night. So I was neither a day child, nor a night child. I was in between. I desparately wanted to be a night chld and go undetected, but I wasn't. But I wasn't just a day child because I was able to hide to some extent.

I feel to some extent this explains being in between worlds. I am no longer in the land of the living. My life as a person has stopped. I see all those around me going on with life, but I have stopped. Yet, I have not yet moved on to be a full spirit of heaven. I am neither here, nor there, but somewhere in-between. I often wake exhausted as if during the night, I have worked so very hard preparing for this jouney. I do not know what I do at night, but I do know it is hard work preparing myself for my final journey.

Angels

Part of palliative care is a reiki program. It is part of the volunteer program. Volunteers give clients in palliative care and hospice reiki to calm them and make their passing more peaceful. Though I had met with Lisa over 2 weeks ago I had not yet heard about seeing a volunteer or receiving reiki. I called on Tuesday, before my surgery, inquiring as to what had happened  to the reiki. In preparation for my surgery. Lisa sent someone out. As Laura walked into my room, she said, “Do you know you are surrounded by angels? You have lots and lots of angels surrounding you and protecting you. Before that moment I had not been aware of their presence. My brain had not yet been tuned into knowing that they were there. But in that moment I could see them, feel them, hear them, knew they were there. Now I wonder how it is that I did not always sense them. How could I possibly not see them. There is Poppy, Great grandma, Great grandpa, whom I’ve never met, Aunt Bren, Grandma Hauser, and a little boy and girl. I do not know the little boy and girl, but they are young children with curly blond hair . The little boys hair with a darker brown tint than the girls. The girl with nearly sheer white hair. Poppy is not old, but a young man. He is slightly older than pictures of him getting married with grandma. I would say in his early 30’s, though in heaven there are no ages. They choose a body for me because I’m still a form. Great grandma and great grandpa are also much younger (similarly in early 30’2) both with full heads of colorful hair. And I feel them surrounding me. Protecting me. I feel their wings against my cheek. Like fatherly light touches – butterfly kisses. I feel the softness and comfort and protection. When I close my eyes I see them waiting for me, patiently waiting for me to be ready and finish what I need to. As I drifted off to sleep during surgery they were all in the OR waiting for me, waiting for me to come and play, to fly with them. Oh what glory. I did not have my wings yet. But to fly through the air and feel the glory, the warmth of the sun as I bask in its sunshine. How I cannot wait to close my eyes. To feel them close to me. Close enough to know they are waiting for me, to welcome me into their arms when I am ready. In the meantime, they walk with me, hand in hand, until I’m ready.

Heaven is for Real

I am not afraid of dying. I know that I am going to heaven and that that is great. I know that in heaven there is a peace like nothing here on Earth. Earth is Earth. It is but a rudimental piece of heaven and God’s kingdom. I will be met with such glory that I have earned. I know that this is my reason, and my task here on Earth is all but finished. We are all souls – some old, some young, some middle-aged. I have often been told I am a very old soul, and I know this to be true. I will not be returning after this trip. My time here is done. My work here finished. And glory awaits me. Some are only beginning. I know that there are others, those that I love dearly, awaiting my return in heaven.

4 years ago, I had a near death experience. I was living in Boston at the time, studying at UMass Boston, living in Quincy. My doctors were all at Brigham and Womens. I had a severe asthma attack and attempted to get across the city to the Brighams where my doctors were. I got in a cab and off I went. I was nearly half way when the cab driver looked in his rearview mirror, glanced up at me, and pulled over to call 911. I was taken to the nearest hospital, and I was intubated upon arrival. I do not know what happened. I had been intubated many times before and never had the reaction I did that day. I found myself floating up into this giant, vast, dark space. I as pitch black. Yet I wasn’t alone. I had left my human body behind in its primitive form. I did not need it. It would only hinder me further. I was but a ball of energy. A dazzling white luminescent ball of energy. As bright and as brilliant as a newborn star. All around me were other energies, souls. Like me they traveled on, racing at the speed of light, faster and faster. Each energy, soul was different, unique. They varied by size, shape, brightness, luminescence. Each very individual and unique. We were all traveling toward this very big orb or ball of energy. It was brilliant. A gazillion times brighter than any one of us. It was all of us put together and then some. As we get closer, we traveled faster and faster. No one “spoke” but we communicated. We shared ideas, thoughts, feelings. It reminds me of the images of the universe being born in planetarium videos.

All of a sudden rather than getting closer, I was getting further and further away from the large orb of energy. It was not my time. I was told over and over. It was not my time. My time here was not yet completed, my work not yet finished. As much as I struggled, I kept bing pushed back further and further. I had felt such peace there. It was true nirvana. I could not understand how I could get so close to something so amazing and wonderful and yet not get there. Oh how I grieved for having to return, but my job was not completed. Before this, I had been utterly terrified of dying. After, I knew that everything would be okay. My biggest worry had been my family and in time I knew they would be okay. That God would take care of it all and I had nothing to worry.

Final Gifts

In some ways, I think it is very special to be allowed to walk this journey. When a child is born, they are not conceived and then immediately born. They have nine months to prepare. They grow and get ready for their journey into this world. Being born is hard work. Similarly, dying is also a process, a journey. Some people may die instantly in an accident, but this is not the norm. For most, dying takes time to prepare; it is a lot of work. I feel that is what I am doing now. I am getting ready for my trip. I am training and preparing myself to leave this world and enter another. When I sleep, I am not just sleeping; I am preparing. There are things I need to do so that I am ready. Truly, this is hard work. I have invited others to share in this journey with me. It is a gift that I am offering. They can either take it or leave it. While they may have a choice as to whether to travel this journey with me, I do not.