You know we have very little control over our life. Sometimes we are on the sea of life and we just have to go with it - go with crests and falls, the storms and sunny weather. There are times it's rocky, other times calm. The reality is that though we like to think we control things, we don't. We just have to go with it; and when we think we aren't strong enough, when we think we can handle only so much, we can be surprised by our strength to survive and persevere. We can handle a lot more than we think we can. Do we really have a choice? Not really.
This is a theme - choices. What choices do we really have? What can we control? We have one choice - to live or to die, and even that I'm not sure how much we control. Even if we are seemingly ready to die, are we really? Are you ever? Are you ever truly ready to leave this world and move on? Do you wonder what it's like? You have to. I have to think that it's part of the human spirit to wonder. My question... Does it hurt? Not the actual dying, no, but the process. Our body doesn't just give up. They talk about death rattles - how people who are dying stop breathing and then start again, stop and start. The body hangs on. It wants life.
My life has not been what I would have thought, nor probably would've chosen. I have been through more than the average person. There is so much left that I want to do, that I always thought I'd have time for, time to do. But how much time do we really have? - Not much... Not much at all... Not nearly enough... I think about things and I hope and pray I leave my footprints on this world. I guess if I were ever to say I had an ultimate goal, it would be to leave this world a better place than when I came into it. I always imagined that I'd do something important. You know... write a book, be a motivational speaker, be known for something important. I remember as a kid having such grand ideas. I wanted to be an astronaut, a famous author, to find a cure for cancer, or solve all the world's problems. I was going to marry Prince Charming and be rich, successful, famous, and happy. I'd have a family - one boy, two girls.
As we get older, we begin to see life in a more practical way. I wanted a career that was satisfying. Maybe I wouldn't be famous, or internationally known, but I would be important in my own little niche. I would meet somebody, fall in love, get married, and have kids. I may not believe in happily ever after, in the fairytale type of way, but I believed in happiness. Nowhere, does it say anything about getting sick and dying. Nowhere did I want to become disabled to the point that I truly couldn't work, need oxygen to breathe, or have a trach put in. This was not in the plans. Sometimes life is unfair. I realize, this is very cliche, but it's true. Why do murderers and child molesters get to live long healthy lives, while I don't? No parent should have to bury her child. I have seen mothers that have had to bury their children, and it's horrible. It just shouldn't have to be done. It's not the way life is supposed to work. Of course, my life didn't work the way it was supposed to work, ever. I think of my mom, and it just makes me cry. She shouldn't have to go through this. No, she has not been perfect. She has made her mistakes. Sometimes I get frustrated, sometimes angry, but she is a good mom and has always done her best. I am especially grateful for the past few months where she was home to help me through this time with the trach.
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