A Choice

People have asked me, if I made the right choice. They ask, if I had to do it over again, would I still choose the trach. To answer if I would do this again, would I still choose the trach, I don't know... I would hate to say no, because to say no is to accept death. And this is exactly what I was told. Had I refused the trach, they weren't sure exactly how much time I'd have, but any time I would have would be limited. However, if this is life with a trach, I'm not sure I want it. You can't just go by length of life, but by quality. Am I or will I be able to do the things I want to do? During the time from the initial trach and going to rehab, I wished I hadn't done this, that instead I had accepted death and gone on. I was basically confined to my room because I needed to be there to be on humidified o2. I couldn't really go anywhere or do much of anything. It was torture. That was not how I wanted to live my life. But now, being in rehab and learning how to "live" with a trach, live being the key word, I don't know. I think things have more of a possibility of returning to life.

When people ask me about my "choice", I get angry. This wasn't really a choice per se. A choice is choosing hot dogs versus hamburgers, choosing to go to the beach instead of the mountains, choosing a necklace over earrings. Before, I never considered a trach. Trachs have always been a no-no for me. We all have things that we are willing to tolerate in regards to medical procedures, and there are things that we say "no way." A trach has been that for me. I knew that some day I'd be forced to consider getting a trach, but it has always been a "no." I didn't want a trach. I didn't want to live like that. To me it symbolized the beginning of the end. I felt it would change my quality of life and I didn't want that. So long as I could think and do all the things I do now, then it was ok; however, the moment that I became compromised and had to have a tube to breathe, I didn't want it. We are all going to die some day. There is a point at which we have to accept that and stop fighting it. I didn't want to be alive just to be alive. I wanted to have a life. I wasn't and am not afraid of dying.

Back in March, the pulmonologist suggested a tracheostomy to help me breathe. I was adamantly against it. No way, no how. I would not even consider it. When he mentioned it, I said no. He tried to open discussion with me, but I adamantly refused, telling him I'd rather die first. The second time was similar to the first, except I didn't even give him the courtesy of saying no. I just changed the topic. Wouldn't discuss it at all. This time, it wasn't just the pulmonologist, but also his PA. The reason I actually began to consider considering it, at least I let her begin talking to me about it, was my circumstances had changed. I was on bi-pap and having to wear it 24/7. Though they had attempted to wean me off of it, they had had no success. I was only able to come off to go to the bathroom. So I was able to move only as far as the bi-pap tubing would allow. I knew I couldn't go home on 24/7 bi-pap. The mask itself was causing the skin around it on my face to be irritated and start to disintegrate. I knew that I couldn't stay in the hospital indefinitely, nor would I want to. I knew that they were right and that if I wanted to live, I would have to get a trach. I could refuse to let them do it, but to do so would mean that I was willing to die, and I wasn't ready to die. So although it went against all I had believed in before, and though I had always said the one thing I'd never do was get a trach, I knew that really it was my only option. It wasn't a choice in terms of choose this or that. It was agree to allow them to do this procedure in hopes of prolonging my life and giving me a quality of life versus accepting death. So did I make the right "choice", well in terms of did I choose to live versus the other option, which is dying. No, this is not easy. It isn't exactly the way they said it would be, but I am alive. I will be able to go home and hopefully I can pretty much return to my life. No, I wouldn't have chosen this if there had been any other option, but had there been any other option, my pulmonologist wouldn't have suggested it. They don't just put trachs in people who don't absolutely need them. Even with the trach, they were leery because they didn't know if it would work or help. There had been no precedent for a patient in my situation receiving a trach. I do know that this was their last chance at giving me somewhat of a life. So to answer, "did I make the right choice". Yes, I chose life, and that is the right choice for me for now.