The Love of a Sister

Some days I think about this and how utterly unfair it is. It seems that lately all I do is cry. The social worker from the VNA made an interesting statement today. She said that I am grieving. this is so true. I think in many ways this is harder than saying good-bye to a loved one that is dying, or has died. I am not saying good-bye to one person, but to everyone I know. I am saying good-bye to all the people that have been in my life.

My goal in life has always been to leave this world a slightly better place than when I came into it. I have not done even a fraction of the thing I always dreamed of. I guess I always thought there would be time. Though I never got to do many of the things I thought I would, I can't deny that I haven't influenced people. I know so many people that care. It just tears me apart. I think about certain things, things with my brothers and sister. Dinner with them and how we all sit and laugh. We tease each other and joke. It hurts me to think that some day, they will be together, but I won't be there. Every time we're together, I wonder, in 6 months will I still be here to do this? A year? I know their life will go on. I know it will continue because that's what life does, it goes on. But it will go on without me. I won't be there to join in the jokes. It hurts so much to leave them, but I haven't really been given a choice. All my life I've protected them and been there for them. But I can't make this better. I can't make it hurt less. I can't stop it. I can't protect them. This is going to happen whether I want it to or not, and that hurts. They are so young, all so young. I shouldn't be the one that has to go. I think how I won't get to see them grow up, get married, have kids. I won't get to see Brenndan graduate. It's like I'm checking out at the middle of the story where I won't know how it ends. It's not fair.