Today mom told Sher and Brenndan about what was going on and that I am now in palliative care, and what that all means. This becomes more real every day. I have been trying so hard to make this easier for my friends and family. I feel like I need to/want to protect them, protect them from the harshness of all of this. It is never going to be easy, but I want it to be as easy as possible because though it may make it harder for me at first, I'm the one that gets to go. I'm the one that will be in a better place, free of pain. It has been so hard. I have struggled to breathe for so long that I don't even remember what it is like to breathe easy. I have carried oxygen so long that I don't know what it is like to go without. Yet in the near future I will be free - free of the confines of this body and the limitations it presents. My pain will be ending, but theirs will just have begun.

When I think of not being here, it makes me sad. The palliative case worker that came today mentioned that I am grieving. I hadn't thought like that. I acknowledge that those around me are grieving, but you don't really consider that the person dying also must grieve. Sometimes the loss I feel hurts so much, to know that I will probably not see any of my siblings get married and have families. I will not know my nieces and nephews. I may not see Brenndan graduate from high school or college. I won't get to see what remarkable men they will grow up to be. I see them now, and I am so proud of them. I am so proud of my sister and what she has become. They are all so young, especially Brenndan. It isn't fair. He's only 15. He shouldn't have to deal with his sister dying. He is only a baby; so young. He has never really gotten to know me not being sick. For all he remembers, I was sick. I wasn't able to be there as much as I wanted when he was young. We always thought there would be more time. And now we're out of time. This just shouldn't be happening. He should not be having to face this so young. He lost Poppy and now he'll lose me. The thing that frustrates me the most is that there isn't anything I can do about it. I can't stop it from happening. I can't make it better. I can only be here now and make memories with him now. It's just so unfair. Each of them are so good. They don't deserve this. My mom, she doesn't either. She's such a good mom. She isn't perfect. She's made mistakes. But she's been there for the important things. She's done the best she could, and that was a really good job. No parent should have to bury their child. All of this just breaks my heart. So I guess the hospice worker has it right. I am grieving. I am grieving the loss of those I love and the loss they will experience. I feel anger that I can't change things, that I can't stop this from happening or stop the hurt they will feel. I can't make ti better.